


i know that you don't, but if i asked you

by watchthestars



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Infidelity, Kinda, M/M, Unhappy Ending, drabble?, not w seungkwan, vernon is in a committed relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:20:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24905956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watchthestars/pseuds/watchthestars
Summary: maybe seungkwan did feel bad. but he preferred to ignore it. he supposes it’s easier not to face the sinking, vomit-inducing feeling that he got when he thought of vernon going back home to kiss her and love her and lie to her.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Comments: 12
Kudos: 60





	i know that you don't, but if i asked you

seungkwan blinks at himself in the mirror. his eyelids move slowly, like honey dripping. his mind is scrambled and foggy, so he can’t really bring himself to mind how fucked up he looks. his cheeks are blushed as they always are, face turned the color of a poppy. he giggles breathily at the analogy.

he leans forward, closer to the mirror, one hand resting on the wall while his other adjusts the hair on his forehead. right now, he thinks he looks sexy, despite his red face and messy hair, he loves how low his eyes look and the glisten on his lips. he smiles, just to himself. he wonders if he really looks that good or if he’s just high. 

his eyes in the mirror drift to behind him to see vernon sitting on his bed. he’s way higher than seungkwan is-- eyes closed, flaunting his pretty eyelashes, as he leans back against the bed frame with his hands resting above his head. he’s wearing a white tanktop, one seungkwan always told him he looked hot in, and his hair is pushed back off his forehead. 

seungkwan wants nothing more than to lick up vernon’s collarbone, to taste his sweat and savor it and mark up vernon until he never forgets the feeling of seungkwan’s lips against his skin. leave him panting, begging for more, chanting seungkwan, seungkwan, seungkwan. he can imagine the ego boost. it would be mind blowing. 

but the longer he stares at vernon, the more he can’t doubt the sour feeling at the back of his throat as he thinks about vernon leaving tomorrow morning, shuffling out of seungkwan’s door to make it back to where he lives.

with his girlfriend.

seungkwan is dizzy. he glares back at himself in the mirror. 

cherry by lana del rey plays from the speaker on seungkwan’s nightstand. currently, it sounds like the best song ever written as it pulses through seungkwan’s foggy head. the sound somewhat helps seungkwan ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach.

he gulps before he turns away from the mirror, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, causing vernon to slowly glance up at him, hazel eyes blinking warmly. seungkwan thinks he’s so beautiful. seungkwan could cry, actually. from a mixture of how high he was, how good vernon looked, and from knowing that vernon wasn’t really his. 

“do you care about me?” seungkwan asks suddenly, and quietly, not really meaning for it to be heard, but he supposes he spoke too loud when vernon’s eyes widen in surprise. well, shit, seungkwan. you opened the can of worms.

“the fuck do you mean?” vernon asks, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. “of course, i do, you’re my best friend.” he sighs, as if it’s that simple. 

seungkwan shakes his head, biting his lip and glancing away. “you care about her more.” he says, casually, but he knows it catches vernon off guard, because he actually sits up.

“you said you’d stop bringing her up.” vernon states, sounding suddenly sober from the mention of his dearest waiting back at home for him, not knowing what he was really doing when he came to seungkwan’s apartment. 

“how can i?” seungkwan laughed dryly. he blinked at vernon, who looked angry and  _ embarrassed _ at seungkwan's snarky reply. rightfully so.

“do you want me to leave you?” vernon huffed in response, voice firm and suddenly much louder. “i know you want this like i want this, so don’t act like you’re any better than i am.” seungkwan gulps at the painful dosage of the truth. vernon held seungkwan's feelings for him over his head, using it anytime his girlfriend was mentioned to make seungkwan feel just as bad. and boy, did it work.

seungkwan licked his lips once most of the stinging pain in his heart faded. he turned his attention back to vernon, amazed at how coherent he was despite the amount they had just smoked. he supposed being called out on your infidelity could do that. “well, i’m not the one cheating on my girlfriend of 4 years.” 

vernon let out a scoff, rolling his eyes, as if that meant nothing. the pettiness, the eye rolling, it all seemed very juvenile to seungkwan, dizzying his head. he let out a breath and laid on his side, looking to where vernon had shifted to sit with his legs hanging off the side of the bed, running his hands through his hair. 

“you’d be broken if i left.” vernon spat, defensive, glaring back at seungkwan. “how could i do that to you?” he asked. seungkwan threw his head back in a dry laugh, trying to act tough in the face of the truth. 

“and she wouldn’t be? finding out that you’ve been cheating on her? every week for 3 whole years? do you think she’d be fine, hansol?” seungkwan asked back, blinking in mock innocence. though he made a point not to deny vernon’s claim. when vernon was quiet, seungkwan changed his tone and added, “me and her are the same in that way, i guess. i’d be broken and so would she."

vernon now just blinked at seungkwan, anger fading into guilt. “god, i am the worst.” he murmured.

seungkwan nodded at him. “we both are.” he sighed. 

he had met vernon through his girlfriend. she was pretty, and sweet, and had become one of seungkwan’s good friends during his freshman year of college. they had been friends for almost a year when she invited seungkwan to a party at her house where he’d been introduced to vernon as her boyfriend. 

_ her  _ boyfriend.

she was seungkwan’s friend, and vernon was her boyfriend.

and yet, seungkwan couldn’t bring himself to feel bad when her boyfriend kissed him first in a bedroom with just to two of them on the night they met. he couldn’t bring himself to feel bad when her boyfriend told her that they had become great friends and were going to hang out, using it as an excuse to sneak away for them to fuck. he couldn’t bring himself to feel bad when her boyfriend told him that he was unlike anyone else he’d ever met, including her.

or maybe he did feel bad. but he preferred to ignore it. he supposes it’s easier not to face the sinking, vomit-inducing feeling that he got when he thought of vernon going back home to kiss her and love her and lie to her. 

sometimes seungkwan wondered how long this would last. would he get married to her? would they have kids? would seungkwan reduce himself to merely being vernon’s mistress for the rest of his life?

as he blinks back at the handsome man sitting in front of him, and feels everything all at once, he thinks that he might be willing to do that. 

and his chest burns, and tears threaten to spill from his eyes, and he feels sick with guilt. he imagines living alone for the rest of his life, leeching love off of someone that wasn’t fully devoted to him. 

maybe seungkwan deserves that. maybe he deserves the pain. 

but he knows vernon’s girlfriend doesn’t.

the combination of weed and remorse makes seungkwan’s head spin, so he closes his eyes. he doesn’t know how long he lay there unmoving, it could be anywhere from minutes to a couple hours. he might have drifted in and out of sleep, occasionally hearing the soft music playing from his night stand and smelling vernon smoking a cigarette. 

when seungkwan does rouse, it’s to the feeling of a hand against his cheek. his eyes flutter open, and the blinds are still shut and the music is still playing so he knows it’s still the middle of the night. 

vernon’s hand is hot against his skin, but not nearly as blazing as his eyes as he stares at seungkwan. vernon was now laying down next to him, both of them under the covers. seungkwan’s heart tries to flutter knowing that vernon tucked him in, and he tries just as hard to ignore it. 

“are you okay?” vernon murmurs, eyes flitting between seungkwan’s eyes and lips.

seungkwan would like to lie. he would like to say that he was okay, but he really, truly was not. “no.” he whispered back. vernon’s face creases as he frowns at the answer. 

“can i help you feel better?” vernon hums, the hand on seungkwan’s cheek moving down the length of his body and attaching itself to his hip, pulling him a little closer. 

seungkwan feels a surge of irritation at vernon’s shameless sex invitation. “i don’t want to.” he shivers, grabbing vernon’s hand and pushing it back towards him.

and at this, vernon looks genuinely shocked. and seungkwan couldn’t blame him, because he was normally the one willing to have sex at any moment. and after all, they did hang out with the purpose of having sex and calling it a day. seungkwan would like to imagine that it was more, that there was something not just physical between them, but he knew imagining that only made himself hurt more and more. 

however, after the earlier conversation, seungkwan felt ill at the thought of fucking vernon. he just couldn’t do it.

and to be quite honest, he really didn’t know if he could do any of this anymore.

“do you ever feel guilty?” seungkwan asks after moments of silence. and it isn’t judgemental. it’s just a question. and vernon knows him well enough that he doesn’t fear coming off as rude. 

vernon sighs, deep and  _ real _ . “of course i feel guilty. all day, everyday.” he answers, and by the look on his face, it’s the truth. he continues, “i just… i’m selfish.”

the self-insult surprises seungkwan, but he knows how it feels, and he knows vernon is right. it’s pure selfishness. on both of their parts. 

“what if…” seungkwan breathed, hesitating because he knew that this was a terrible idea. “what if i asked you to pick?” he asks, even though the answer to that terrifies him and he just knows this won't end up good. as vernon blinks at the question, his entire body tenses and he prepares to be emotionally torn apart. 

“you know you don’t want to hear the answer to that.” vernon replied, the expression on his face nothing but sorrowful.

seungkwan let out a breath that sounded like the start of cry. his eyes were on fire, almost screaming asking seungkwan to let the tears out, but seungkwan wouldn’t. not in front of hansol. he had always saved the tears for afterwards, for the moment he heard the front door click shut. 

vernon was staring back at him, almost anticipating seungkwan to reply to that statement. and anger surges through seungkwan. how the fuck could he just expect him to say something to that? to reply to the sound of his heard shattering? he was sure he’d throw up before he could respond. 

instead, the two sat in silence for what couldn’t be more than a minute but felt like an hour. finally, seungkwan spoke. he glared at vernon. “just fuck me.” 

and vernon stares in awe at the request, and part of seungkwan is yearning for vernon to say no, and cradle him in his arms, and let him cry and make him feel better  _ inside.  _

but vernon doesn’t. and why would he? it wasn’t like seungkwan was his to take care of. it wasn’t like seungkwan was  _ his _ . 

vernon had her. he didn’t need him, besides for his weekly fun. and seungkwan could not blame him. seungkwan never tried to claim him out loud, limiting his affection to vernon to the words in his mind. seungkwan never asked him to stop. he never asked him to end things, and he never asked him to make things more than they were. 

there was no one to blame but himself. he was just as greedy, just as easy, and just as bad as vernon was. only difference was, seungkwan had gotten attached, and he knew vernon knew that.

seungkwan started crying during sex. he asked vernon to fuck him harder, asked him to leave bruises, to hold him down and not hold himself back. and vernon does. because in this moment, seungkwan was his to use. in this moment, it felt like seungkwan was  _ his _ .

  
  
  


vernon is gone when seungkwan woke up. the sun had barely risen. seungkwan wakes in a panic without vernon next to him, which he knows is a sign that he is far too attached. he lifts his phone pathetically quickly to see if vernon had said anything, if he had to leave for an emergency or something. it was seungkwan’s last moment of hope that everything he ever wanted wasn’t ending like this. 

seungkwan could feel all of his hope and a part of his soul die, all at once, as he read the text hansol had sent him at 5:33am.

_ i’m not coming back. _

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading my very first work for seventeen! i hope you enjoyed, feedback is bliss!


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